Keeping it real

It's Sunday night and I am absolutely dreading the week ahead. I am tired, overwhelmed and can't even fathom juggling work, kids and school another week.

I wake up every day reminding myself of all I have to be thankful for and to embrace every moment I have at home with my kids but my energy is fizzling. Every bright idea I have requires time, art supplies and hours of clean up. Every time I see a kid on an iPad or watching TV I feel this overwhelming amount of guilt. I feel like I've been given the opportunity to be the stay-at-home mom I've always wanted to be, full of great ideas, activities, recipes and smiles but - oh yea, I am still working 5 days a week. And so is Josh.

I am constantly finding ways to deal with stress which includes a lot of exercise, followed by a lot of wine. I tackle each week with a fresh perspective trying catching up at work late at night or early in the morning to take pressure off during the day but its getting hard.

I am biting my tongue more than ever when people who are bored at home are coming up with all kinds of new projects at work, while I am struggling to keep up the front that I am on top of it all at home. I am trying to be understanding of friends who are normally stay-at-home moms and are now at home with their kids all day - complaining because now they actually realize how much free time they had and how much easier it was to clean all of the bathrooms without any kids around (welcome to a working mom's world). I can't even imagine how life would be like if I only had to worry about my kids being happy and fed.

Josh and I just wrote out our schedule for the week. Its color coded and notes which calls are more important than others because we literally have to almost rock paper scissors who gets the office and a few moments of privacy for a conference call. And even if my call trumps his and I get the office I can hear Owen screaming in the kitchen as Josh has to hold him back as he tries to run in. I've gotten really good at unmuting when I need to speak and immediately muting again so no one can hear him screaming or Sadie barking. Its stressful enough to tackle the damn zoom calls all day but then we actually have to do the follow-up work. When are we supposed to do that? I've been working until 11p each night which means I am tried and then its more difficult to have a positive attitude.

The expectations from those who are bored at home with no kids, from those who are struggling to work from home with kids - is absolutely ridiculous. I have spent my entire career as a mom proving I didn't need any special treatment or help but this is the first time I just want to cry for special treatment and help - this is an impossible task. I used to go to work and put my work hat on and then take it off at the end of the day but right now I am wearing both - all day long - and it is really challenging to thinking strategically, be proactive or really do anything besides respond to the email that is in front of you.

Now that I am on a tangent, why does everyone feel the need to introduce new ways to message people? I already have 2 phones - one personal and one for work. I get emails and texts on both all day and now I am supposed to keep up with Slack messages?! OMG. Its too much. And the kids school's PTA still needs to fundraise money? For what?! Sorry I can't even think about logging into a virtual silent auction right now to bid on tickets to places we can't go right now. Am I a terrible parent if I just offer to write another check? And if I am asked to upload one more photo for the 5th grade celebration that isn't happening or to follow a series of daily ways to recognize teacher during teacher appreciation week... I am seriously going to lose it. Oh yea and I am turning FORTY in a few weeks. Ugh!

Deep breath. We are healthy, happy, , have paying jobs, live in a large home with a yard and great neighbors and the sun is shining. Life is good. Exhale.