I've been trying to keep my posts light and focus on all of the fun and adventures we've had but if I really document this accurately, I should provide a factual update. It has been over 9 months since we've all been home. I will never forget March 13th because it was Owen's birthday when we picked up the kids from school and they haven't returned. It's been interesting because back in March everything shut down - including dentists offices and even some doctors offices, stores and even beaches, but I think San Diego was reporting 40 cases a day back then. This summer we thought we had our surge, hitting 600 cases per day. It seemed so high! Yet today, San Diego is reporting between 2,000 - 3,800 daily. Yet, some stores are still open, healthcare is still being offered, daycares are open, youth sports and restaurants are fighting to open back up. It is a strange time, as we navigate and make decisions about what is safe.
It has been really interesting working for a hospital during this time because I feel like I have access to information that others may not and I see first hand how complex it is to navigate running a hospital during a pandemic. I guess that's something I can put on my resume one day?! Hospitals are being inundated in California, ICU beds are at capacity and everyone is short staffed. I just received a work email reminding people to pick up after yourselves, basically be good humans, because there is a shortage of EVS workers. Ambulances are being diverted, surgeries are being delayed, it is a scary time.
Will the kids return to school this year? I have no idea but I am not counting on it and that is what is the most heart breaking. If they don't return to school this year, then by the time they return, they wouldn't have stepped foot on campus for 18 months. That is a lifetime for some of these kids.
Because I work for a hospital, one that was the first to take care of the first patients to arrive from China a year ago, I am scheduled to get the vaccine tomorrow. It is a very weird thing to know that I have the opportunity to be vaccinated so early - I feel so fortunate and unbelievably guilty because there are millions of people who need it more than me. And I feel guilty because my first thought was "crap, I am going to have to go back to work now?!". These past few months have been strange and challenging but a fucking dream - I have not had to rush out the door every morning, or arranged and pay for afterschool care or a dog walker, I've been able to eat lunch with my kids everyday - its been amazing and while I know that it won't last forever, I am not ready for it to end. But I know that for the well being of my kids and our family, we have to return back to "normal" and I can't hold them this close forever.
This has been a time for us all to reflect on what matters to us, how we want to live our lives and what we want our future to look like. I was listening to a podcast (which I have become obsessed with) and it was focused on - who do you want to be now? Now is the time to define who you want to be moving forward. I don't know if it is because I turned 40, I am about to hit my 10 year mark at UCSD or because Owen can literally wipe his own ass now so I am not feeling as needed, but I've struggled with this a lot, I toggle between wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, to wanting to go back to school and/or finding a new job/challenge. I still don't know what I want my future to look like but I think I am ready for a change and am trying to be open and embracing whatever that will be. All I do know is that I want our lives to be full of fun, adventures, vacations and as many family moments I can force as the kids get older. 23 years ago I moved to San Diego and changed my name from Jenny to Jen and never looked back. Will this be the second time in my life when I look back at making such a conscious change?
